Testimony Time

During the last woman's ministry bible study, the leader asked me to share my testimony of how the Lord used the study in my life. Typically, I would just wing it but I decided to write this one out. I am glad I did otherwise I would not have made it through.   The Lord used this testimony to bring further healing to my broken heart. 

As some of you know the past decade has been difficult for my husband and I. We have lost a baby to miscarriage; have had several failed fertility treatments and three failed adoptions, one because the baby died.  I quit my job at CF four different times thinking that motherhood was right around the corner. I feel like the little girl who cried baby.  

After each loss, we went through a time of grieving only to have our hearts hope again and be broken once more.  Throughout this time I know God has been carrying us but I have not always felt his presence.  Only after taking the Triumph Over Suffering class did I feel the grieving process was truly productive and healing began.

More often than not I have struggled with the thought that God was keeping us from having children because he knew I would not be a good mother or more recently, because I was getting too old or my health was not what it should be to parent.    I had to repeat to myself, “A baby is the result of a biological process and not a gift from God, given only to those who deserve it.”  This mantra did help me to some degree but it was during week five of this study, the week about Peace, that I came to really understand that Satan is the accuser.  It was his fiery darts that were aimed at my heart which was causing me to have these thoughts. Colossians 1:21,22 says:  “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²² But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.”  Because of Christ’s work on the cross I am free from accusation!! 

I Timothy 1:7 says, “God has not given us the spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. I am grabbing a hold of that verse every day. One thing that Beth said about peace was that it comes with authority, that when the increase of Christ’s government comes in our lives peace accompanies it.  Daily I am trying to allow Christ to govern my thoughts and my heart and to keep my mind stayed on him.  It is a process, not a onetime event. This afternoon, another study I am doing brought me to Isaiah 54.  Coincidently this chapter begins with “Sing, o barren woman…”  Verse 10 states, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”

Our journey to parenthood is not yet over. We are looking forward in the very near future to travel to China to adopt a baby girl, most likely in July.  Hopefully, as we trust God’s sovereignty, I am not just crying baby again.