The Abundant Life

Sort of a a list of lists

2011-10-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago when I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I made no wish. I have everything I want, including the two best birthday gifts a girl could ever receive - my babies. Upon turning 41, my arms ache from being full most of the day; my knees are dry and bruised from spending so much time on the floor; I rarely get a full nights sleep and my house is almost always in some state of messiness. But none of that matters, we have our girls! We have been parents for a crazy, fabulous, frustrating, amazing, tiring, wonderful three months!!!

So, since it is hard to cover three months since we have been home in one blog post and I am not a very good writer I will just hit some of the highlights in yet another bulleted list.

We spent the first week or two completely jet lagged, awake at night, sleeping during the day and tried desperately to reset our circadian rhythm. Thankfully, our friends and family were so wonderfully helpful, especially my mom. What would a girl do without her mom?
My amazing friend Alba and several other equally wonderful friends threw the best baby shower ever one week after we returned from China. We were showered with gifts, verbal blessings and prayer.
The girls visited the pediatrician, where we learned the were healthy but way down on the chart for size and weight. It is nothing that some good nutrition and vitamins can't improve. They are growing but I imagine they will always be on the small side.
They are learning so much everyday. They are like little sponges and copy everything we do, which is just a little scary. It really makes us watch our p's and q's.
Let's see, what are they learning? Well, they know so many animal sounds. I think I will list them here so if you don't care just stop reading now and go to the next bullet point. Bear, duck, dog, cat, cow, snake, horse, pig, lion, jaguar, chicken and owl (and they know how to say the word owl).
We have been teaching them baby sign language. They actually know more signs than I can remember teaching them so sometimes I have to guess when they do a sign. Again, I am going to list them so I have a record of what they are learning. So I won't feel bad if you stop reading now. The words they know the sign for are: more, thank you, dog, cat, table, baby, mommy, daddy, diaper change, eat, apple, banana, yogurt, milk, drink, juice, car, monkey, cereal, under, flute, book, light, stars, bath, tooth brush, rabbit, elephant, all finished, glasses, shoes, socks, alligator, car, boy, girl. I know this is not all of them. See, I really don't remember. Oh, but wait a minute, you have already skipped to the next bullet point.
For both of the girls, the two words they spoke most often in the beginning were "amen" and "owl." Weird, I know. They just picked up "amen" because we pray before every meal and before bed. There is an owl in several of their books so they heard that word often. Funny thing is, I see owls everywhere. Not live ones but on art, housewares, clothing, etc. I think it may be a trending design thing right now. I guess my girls are going to be stylish, which does not bode well for our budget.

Well since I hear Abby and Livvy stirring in their cribs after their nap and since you are tired of reading a list of lists I will wrap this up for now.

Ponderings that don't deserve a post of their own...

2011-07-18T16:42:00.000-07:00

Never before have I been so sweaty, sticky, and stained and cared so little.

On a sign in the ladies room at the US Consulate: Help keep our environment clean: Please keep your feet on the floor and not on the toilet seat. What the ...?

My new diet and exercise plan - parenting twins.

Hong Kong - ultra firm mattress, barely uncomfortable. Nanchang - surprisingly plush mattress, just right. Guangzhou - what mattress? it really should be called a platform or plank.

Loving the people, marketing and salesmanship skills of the Chinese shop owners. I wonder if they have attended a John Maxwell seminar. He is popular here, you know.

One would think that the country that built this thoroughly modern skyscraper, the second largest in the world, could come up with a way of making the tap water potable.

Why are there so many Chinese people wandering around the hotel in their robes?

Note to self - do not shake a baby bottle filled with very hot formula.

Question: How many Americans can you fit into an elevator? Answer: Not nearly as many Chinese people.

Never really understood the Cheerios / baby connection until this week.

I think we have mastered the art of living in a hotel room with two babies.

Friday, July 15

2011-07-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Today we transitioned from Nanchang to Guangzhou. I actually felt some sadness upon leaving, mostly for the girls. This is where they were born, their heritage and their biological parents. We may never visit this place again. I truly felt the burden of their loss today.
Then the plane flight. Oh, the plane flight. The night before we had finally settled into a bottle feeding routine. Prior to this we had been struggling to get the to suck so we just spoon fed thickened formula and rice cereal mixture. Consequently, the girls were not urinating much. Until the moments before the flight. The minute I placed Olivia on my lap she tinkled all over my pants. Her diaper was already full so it had no where else to go. So I quickly changed both girls diapers - while seated in the coach section on a Chinese airline. Keep in mind that Chinese people are smaller than Americans therefore the airlines make smaller seats. Right after changing Abigail's diapers the flight attendance asked Dave to move to another seat so that we would all have an air mask in the case of an emergency. I still had Daddy's girl (Abigail) on my lap at that point. To put it mildly, Abigail does not like to fly. Neither does Olivia but Abigail reeealllly does not like to fly. She cried, shouted and wailed much of the time all while writhing in my arms. I felt completely helpless and by the time we landed we were both in tears and I mean real alligator tears. It broke my heart to see in her in such turmoil.

When we finally arrived at the White Swan Hotel we were all exhausted, except Abigail I suppose she decided that she was never going to fly again so she learned how to walk, with assistance of course. We walked up and down the halls of the hotel. If I tried to turn around and go back to the room she would put up a fuss. She was so completely proud of herself and I was proud of her as well.

The White Swan Hotel is considered the baby hotel. This is where all the adoptive families wind up after gotcha day. The US consulate is located nearby and all families must be processed here in order to leave the country. My guess is that there are about 75 families staying at the White Swan this week. It is just amazing to see all the new families being formed. There is an ancient Chinese tale called the Invisible Red Thread or Red String of Fate. Some Chinese believe that an invisible red thread connects people that are meant to be together. You can read about it here. All I know is that the Lord has brought us together with the perfect babies for us.

Saturday, July 16th

2011-07-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

I really wish I could have been posting to my blog right along but that was just impossible. Tonight since I have just a very small amount of energy left I am going to try to post for previous days. So let's see if I can even remember what we did yesterday.

I will begin with the evening. All the adoptive families, and there are lots of them met at a local Thai restaurant for a meal. The place was packed with babies, high chairs, strollers, diaper bags, tired parents, and cranky babies - one of our included. I can't imagine what the other customers thought, expect pure regret for having chosen that restaurant. The food was delish, at least the few bits of red curry with coconut milk I was able to gulp down between feeding the girls rice congee and steamed veggies. The clouds decided to open up while we were in the restaurant so we had to wait for our guide to run back to the hotel to get umbrellas. Picture Dave and I trying to push a double stroller over cobble stone streets while each holding an umbrella with one hand. Quite a site.

Prior to dinner.... hmmm... oh yeah, the girls took a nap. But I completely forgot what Dave and I were doing - something that prevented us from taking a nap as well.

Prior to lunch... Oh, lunch. We got the fixed plate take out from a little "deli" near the hotel. Dave ordered two - one chicken and one beef. The fixed plate come with soup. Have you ever heard of squab? Well, that is just a nice way of saying pigeon. Yes, it was pigeon soup, a whole pigeon to be exact. Neither of us was feeling adventurous

Now, prior to lunch... the physical exam. It was a mad house. Again lots of adoptive parents, maybe 40 - 50 with their babies all lined up up on metal benches at the local clinic waiting to have their heads examined, uh I mean, their babies examined. We had to go through three stations one was basic vital statistics. One was a skin check to make sure the babies did not have any strange infectious skin disease I suppose. The last one was ear, nose and throat. To test the baby's hearing the doctor played a few notes on a miniature keyboard and the squeezed a ball in the other ear. I guess if the baby turned their head the hearing was fine. I am proud to say both girls did great. The were tolerate of the poking and prodding but not so tolerant of the long wait and HOT condition. There was no air conditioning the the waiting room Apparently even the doctor was hot. He was wearing shorts and sandals under his white doctor's coat. It was quite the site.

The girls passed the exam with no problem. We did learn that what we thought was a heat rash on the back of their necks is actually a Mongolian spot. The spot become more pronounced when the girls are hot. Mongolian spots fade over time, typically by the age of seven or so.

Now, so this is going pretty well. Let me see if I can remember Friday. Oh, Friday, how could I forget.

Sunday, July 17th

2011-07-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

Today we attended a worship service at the Shamian Christ Church. The service was in both Chinese and English. It was such a blessing to see believers gathered to worship the Lord. The gospel was presented, theology was sound and the worship was authentic. And the place was packed with standing room only, mostly Chinese believers. It was a wonderful way to introduce the girls to their first church service. Of course they did sleep through most of it.
The afternoon was spent shopping and completing paperwork for the US consulate. Our appointment is tomorrow morning and will be about three hours long but after that we can breathe a sigh of relief and just enjoy oursleves.

After dinnner tonight we went to the play room with the girls. We had a great time meeting other adoptive parents and wathcing the girls explore and interact with other babies. Abigail stood up on her own for the first time. Olivia still in content just to sit in one spot and play. She is not yet crawling or walking.

We ended the day as we always do with a bottle and bonding time on the bed. It seems that the girls love bedtime, not necceisarily the going to bed part but the part we Mommy and Daddy kiss their hands; rub their backs and and just roll around and have some quiet fun.

I suppose being a mom is always going to come first...

2011-07-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

This is a post I started a few days ago but somehow being a mom got in the way. I was feeling particulary thankful that day and needed to jot down some of the amazing blessings I have been given.

There are more but here are some of the things I am thankful for

An amazing husband who is becoming an equally amazing dad.
A forever faithful and loving heavenly Father who knows just what we need and when we need it.
Fantastic family and friends who have supported us through this very long journey.
Two beautiful daughters who are becoming the apples of my eyes.
Time to wash my hair this morning.
The oasis of a comfy king size bed in a cushy hotel room in the middle of crowded, hot and loud Nanchang City
Chinese laundry
Travel companions who are adopting only one baby and therefore have time to take pictures.
Travel companions who are so kind and generous to assist us with whatever we need,
The best guides from our adoption agency who are taking care of every detail of our trip. I wonder if they plan vacations as well.
Nap time.

48

2011-07-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

I really thought I would have time to blog everyday on this "once in a life time trip" but in reality, yesterday I did not even have time to brush my hair and I have yet to wash it since getting the twins on Sunday. So as I sit here on Tuesday evening I want to remember and record all that has transpired since the girls were first placed in our arms but I am sitting in a dark hotel since Abbi and Livi are asleep in their cribs just 10 feet away. The near darkness make me want to crawl under the covers and fade into dream land. So, the remedy is going to be a bulleted list which I will try to expand on later. "Try" is the operative word here.

Gotcha Day was traumatic for the girls but they soon calmed down and just eyed us with suspicion for the evening. Prior to getting the girls there was a two hour meeting to discuss feeding and caring for the babies and the itinerary.
Monday was paperwork day. The first office was where the adoption became official. We were interviewed by some official looking pregnant woman. Who asked us to promise to never abandon or abuse the girls. Of course, we complied. While at this office we met two of the orphanage workworkers. Abigail and Olivia clearly were familiar with them and were all smiles at first site. I was a bit jealous but also glad to see that they had bonded with someone. The second office was the notary. Then on to Walmart for supplies, back to the hotel for a nap. Finally mid afternoon to the Public Safety office for ID pictures of the girls. At 5 or 6pm we had another something happen and I just can't remember what it was at the moment.
Monday night there was a huge thunderstorm followed by a 2am funeral complete with fireworks. As I type this, aparently there is another funeral just outside our hotel window.
Tuesday, sweet relief, there was only one appointment. It was with the doctor in the hotel. The girls are perfectly healthy. The only issue they have is a vitamin A and D and calcium definciency. The doctor determined this by looking at the very square shape of their head. Within a few hours one of guides knocked on our door and handed us a vitamin supplement. The remainder of the day we hung out in the hotel and visited with the other families in our travel group - all of them, by the way, are amazing people! We ended the day with an authentic Chinese dinner and a Happy Re-Birth cake for all the babies.
Wait, that can't be it. Has it really only been 48 hours since we got the girls???? Impossible.

Maybe I have the energy for one more bulleted list, and this is really the more important one.

Abigail and Olivia are an absolute joy!
The are complete different in personality. Despite the apperance of their original pictures. Olivia is actually much more smiley than Abigail. But both girls have their moments of happy expressions.
They are both Daddy's girls. Abigail especially. She would much rather have Baba (daddy) hold her, play with her, change her, feed her, etc. Olivia is more easy going but when Dave returns to the room after being gone for a few minutes she giggles, waves her hands in the air and shakes her legs.
We have been trying to use some Chinese (thanks Mom for the useful pharses!) matched with baby signs. Abigail is already signing the word for daddy!
Olivia is a bit more delayed is size and developement. But I know she will be catching up very soon.
Abigail LOVES to eat. She ate all kinds of Chinese food tonight, most of which I am sure she has never tasted. Abigail mainly just made a huge mess of her rice and soup. As Dave said, our apologies to the waitresses.
Lost my train of thought, it may be time to go to bed. Hmmm...

Ok, so I want to close this post with a couple of pictures and a Face Book message I received from my friend Nicole. Aaron is her son

"So funny--showed Aaron pics of you and fam. He said now you are not just a woman, but a mommy, too. He said the same about Dave not just being a man but a daddy. Thought that was sweet."

PS: I am not responsible for mispleed words, poor grammar and any of the content in the blog post. I plead jet lag.

There is a nest...

2011-07-09T19:32:00.001-07:00

This morning I noticed that there is a bird's nest in a tree just outside the lobby of the hotel in Hong Kong. A few days ago Dave and I were talking about how a bird builds their nest one brown twing or one slim piece of string at a time in anticipation of laying a few eggs. Then she cares for those eggs and guards them from the elements. She does all of this without knowning when they will hatch. She instictivly waits until the day arrives when she will see the first tiny beak break through into the light of day. In a similar way we have been building our lives in anticipation of the day, not know when or even if it will come, that we will transition from couple to family. Well, the day has come and that day is tomorrow, July 10th. Two chicks will be hatched into our arms.

So, enough of my metephor. We are tucked into our hotel room after spending the day touring around Hong Kong, getting to know our fellow adoptive families while enjoying a lunch of Dim Sum. We have shared bits and pieces of our lives but primarily talked centered around the babies. Names, ages, orphanage or foster care and the story of our journies were among the topics. For three of the families traveling with us it is not their first adoption. The rest of us a green. Some families have biological children, others like us, have none. We all share one thing in common, a connection to China and a sense of calling or direction to adopt from this vast and ancient country.

Dave and I are both feeling at peace with little or no anxiety about tomorrow. Right now we are just hoping for a good night's sleep so we can be prepared for parenthood tomorrow. Tomorrow! I just can't believe it! Someone pinch me!

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalm 91:4

Things are about to get crazy...

2011-06-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

We just found out that we are going to be leaving for China about a week earlier than we thought! And this is what the nursery looks like today. Yikes!

Travel Approval Received

2011-06-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

We are thrilled that the CCWA has approved our travel to China to adopt up our beautiful babies!!! We have been given two options for travel. One option is a week earlier that we thought. It is also the same week that my amazing friends and family are throwing me a shower. What to do??? The decision is really not up to us, we just let our agency know our preference. It is just so hard to believe that we will be holding our little girls in just a matter of weeks!!

Snug as two bugs in a box...

2011-06-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

The care package is finally complete and mailed off on Friday. Here are the contents. What you are seeing is a carefully planned package that took months to put together, sort of. I know it does not look like much but we really have been working on it for a while.

Lady Bugs: A few months ago my brother who is a professional photographer, did a photo shoot for us. I told him I wanted to have our picture on a teddy bear to send the baby we would soon be matched with. Knowing that the ladybug was a symbol for Chinese adoption, Mike found these two stuffed animals. He explained that it is a good idea to have a duplicate of a favorite toy, which the lady bug might become, in case on was lost or damaged. Great idea!! Little did we know the Lord had these two sweet ladybugs planned for our two sweet bundles of joy waiting for us in China. We have been sleeping with the lady bugs for about 2 months so our scent would get on them. My sister-in-law photo shopped the picture, did all the graphics and even included the Chinese symbols for mommy and daddy. Then last weekend my mother-in-law sewed on the pictures. It was a real family project.

The Card: I knew I wanted to somehow to include our voice in the package so I thought of sending a recordable card. Well, there are no "just because" recordable cards. So I found this one, a birthday card with a puppy on it. The message reads something to the effect of, "today is a good day to celebrate you..." Which is true and is how I feel. After the personal greeting we recorded, "Daddy Loves You, Mommy loves you too", the card plays the first few lines of Daydream. Here they are:

"What a day for a day dream,
What a day for a day dreamin' boy.
And I'm lost in a day dream,
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy."

Even though the girls won't understand the song, I though it fit just perfectly.

The Toy - The toy cell phones are just because I know they like brightly colored toys that make noise.

The Camera - Our agency suggested sending a camera in hopes that the orphanage workers will snap some shots.

So, that's it for now! I know many of you want to know the names we chose but we are going to hang on to that information until we make it official with our agency. Stay tuned.

Travel Packet Recieved!

2011-06-07T04:13:00.000-07:00

It is becoming more and more real everyday! Yesterday we received our travel packet so today I will spend my time applying for our visas, filling out waivers and affidavits and choosing a second name. Yes, we must choose the name now! We want to stick to a Bible name but there are so few good girl names in the Bible. There is Hagar, Dorcas, Orpah. OK, I know there are better ones than that, like Rachel, Elizabeth, Naomi, etc. We have lived with the name Abigail for five years. It threw us for a loop when we needed to pick a second name. One of our dear pastors jokingly suggested Abbi and Gail. Yeah, not gonna work. So today I will be praying for a revelation of a name!

Speaking of prayer. If you are praying for us, as I know many of you are, here are some of things we would appreciate prayer for:

A second name!
For Si Jie and Si Chun, that they would be cared for and comforted.
For our hearts to be prepared for parenting and a big lifestyle change.
Scheduling our travel plans - traveling with 2 babies is a bigger challenge than just one.
That we are both able to stick to our "get healthy plans" over the next few weeks. Dave is doing boot camp at our gym and I am on a very restricted diet.
That we would be able to wrap up some projects around the house soon.

That is all I can think of for now. Thank you all for being such wonderful friends and great adoption community!

Verse for Today

2011-06-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

He settles the barren woman in her home

as a happy mother of children.

Psalm 113:9

The Referral Package

2011-06-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

We have new pictures! For now we are referring to the girls by their Chinese names Si Chun and Si Jie. Ignore the date on these pictures. I am sure they meant 2010

Si Chun

Si Jie

Sisters!

Someone Pinch Me!!

2011-06-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

Was it just a dream?? No, I have digital proof and today by 3pm I should have physical proof in the form of a package from our agency! I can't wait to have them in my arms!!! By them, I mean the two precious girls! It seems that I failed to mention they are both girls. Many of you have asked.

So many of you have left some amazing comments of congratulations and encouragement. I want to answer each one and I will as time allows. I am overwhelmed!

This verse from Amazing Grace is echoing in my head today:

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

The Lord Himself has become my portion and now he has given us a second helping!

Just have to keep the babies at the top of the page

2011-06-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed

2011-06-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am completely overwhelmed by all the wonderful comments and well wishes you all of been posting. What a wonderful community of adoptive families we belong to. And for those of you who are not part of that community, you still a huge part of this story! Thank you so much!

Please excuse the header

2011-06-01T14:38:00.001-07:00

All I did was replace the pictures in my header and the whole size changed. Hmmm.

The Low Down

2011-06-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

So here is some basic info about our precious babies:

They are 15 months old
They come from Ningdu in Jiangxi Province
They are on a good sleeping/napping/eating schedule
They love to play outside
Their favorite toys are ones that make sounds
The love spare rib soup. I guess I will have to learn how to make that.

That is about all I know. I just can't wait to hold them in my arms!!!

This verse is so true as is all of God's precious Word: Ephesians 3:20, 21, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Now I am a Believer

2011-06-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

This song is totally running through my mind right now. I changed the lyrics ever so slightly.

Now I am a Believer
By The Monkees

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Then I saw their faces, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love, I'm a believer!
I couldn't leave them if I tried.

I thought love was more or less a given thing,
Seems the more I gave the less I got.
What's the use in tryin'?
All you get is pain.
When I needed sunshine I got rain.

Then I saw their faces, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love, I'm a believer!
I couldn't leave them if I tried

A Double Portion of God's Tremendous Blessing - TWINS

2011-06-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

Here are our TWO precious babies!!!!!! Yes, I can't even believe I am typing that word in the plural.

The Box has Changed!

2011-05-30T08:45:00.001-07:00

Adoption Update

2011-05-30T06:38:00.000-07:00

We are expecting and about to give birth to our dream!! We should be getting our referral tomorrow for our China adoption!!! We can't wait to see you, beautiful baby, Abigail!!!!

Correction: I actually think it will be Wednesday. Our agency won't receive the package from China until tomorrow since DHL does not deliver on holidays.

Testimony Time

2011-04-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

During the last woman's ministry bible study, the leader asked me to share my testimony of how the Lord used the study in my life. Typically, I would just wing it but I decided to write this one out. I am glad I did otherwise I would not have made it through. The Lord used this testimony to bring further healing to my broken heart.

As some of you know the past decade has been difficult for my husband and I. We have lost a baby to miscarriage; have had several failed fertility treatments and three failed adoptions, one because the baby died. I quit my job at CF four different times thinking that motherhood was right around the corner. I feel like the little girl who cried baby.

After each loss, we went through a time of grieving only to have our hearts hope again and be broken once more. Throughout this time I know God has been carrying us but I have not always felt his presence. Only after taking the Triumph Over Suffering class did I feel the grieving process was truly productive and healing began.

More often than not I have struggled with the thought that God was keeping us from having children because he knew I would not be a good mother or more recently, because I was getting too old or my health was not what it should be to parent. I had to repeat to myself, “A baby is the result of a biological process and not a gift from God, given only to those who deserve it.” This mantra did help me to some degree but it was during week five of this study, the week about Peace, that I came to really understand that Satan is the accuser. It was his fiery darts that were aimed at my heart which was causing me to have these thoughts. Colossians 1:21,22 says: “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. ²² But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” Because of Christ’s work on the cross I am free from accusation!!

I Timothy 1:7 says, “God has not given us the spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. I am grabbing a hold of that verse every day. One thing that Beth said about peace was that it comes with authority, that when the increase of Christ’s government comes in our lives peace accompanies it. Daily I am trying to allow Christ to govern my thoughts and my heart and to keep my mind stayed on him. It is a process, not a onetime event. This afternoon, another study I am doing brought me to Isaiah 54. Coincidently this chapter begins with “Sing, o barren woman…” Verse 10 states, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”

Our journey to parenthood is not yet over. We are looking forward in the very near future to travel to China to adopt a baby girl, most likely in July. Hopefully, as we trust God’s sovereignty, I am not just crying baby again.

Moving On

2010-09-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Once again, I we are moving on. Leaving another loss behind. It was one month ago today that we became parents to a baby girl we named Hannah. Parenthood only lasted for 36 hours or so. On our way to pick up Hannah from the hospital to bring her home we received a call from our adoption attorney. The birth mother decided to keep the baby.

That day my daily scripture reading was Genesis 15. Verse 2 jumped right off the page. It reads, "But Abram said, "O Sovereign LORD, what can you give me since I remain childless..." The story of Abraham reminds me that God's ways are not our ways, nor are his thoughts our thoughts as it says in Isaiah 56. It is my job to trust and obey and not to try to figure out all the details.

I am taking a Bible study I never wanted to qualify for. It is called Triumph Over Suffering by Celeste Li and it is amazing. God has already spoken to my heart peace and the beginning of healing. I don't know where this terrestrial road will end but I do know that when it does end, true life will just be beginning.

The Time is Soon

2010-08-12T10:19:00.001-07:00

Today we will find out when the c-section will be scheduled. I have been anxious and excited, melancholy and thrilled. We have been waiting for this for 10 years and you would think I would be prepared. Well, I am not. Yes, I have all the gear, the bottles and bassinet, the glider and diapers but do I have the all the "momminess" that I need? Everyone tells me that it will come as soon as the baby is born but right now I am not so sure.

Quite coincidentally I read John 16 today. This verse really spoke to me, "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." My pain is different, it is not not physical. My uterus is not groaning. My pain is of the heart. This heart labor has lasted ten years and my time has come. I am ready for the joy.

Adoption Update

2010-07-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

We have never been this close. It is so hard to imagine that we could be parents within just a few weeks! Not years. Not months. Weeks! The birth mother is due on August 25th, which is my Dad's birthday. Because she has gestational diabetes most likely she will go early. Hopefully, we will know more this Wednesday at her doctor's appointment.

In other adoption news, China adoptions are starting to speed up a little. CCAA (China Center for Adoption Affairs) just matched 14 days of LIDS (Log in dates) this month. For about the previous two years they have only been matching about 3 or 4 LID dates each month, so this is a big deal. CCAA matched couples logged in through May 10, 2006. Our LID is June 28, 2006. So, what this means for us is that we should be getting matched with our baby sometime early 2011.

Yikes! Never did we expect to be getting two babies so close together. This most certainly was not the plan but it seems that God had a different plan.

So here is what we are praying for:

Wisdom in parenting
Blessings on our birthmother
Health for our babies

Honoring our Immigrant Heritage

2010-07-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Sitting in church this morning I was reminded that all we Americans come from immigrant families, unless of course you are Native American. We can look back and see that there were one or more brave souls in our family tree who took that leap of faith to find freedom on the shores of our great nation.

I owe a debt of gratitude to one immigrant on a very personal level. She is the birth mother of our soon to be adopted daughter, Hannah. Several years ago she came from Mexico in hopes of finding a better life. I hope she found what she was looking for. I am glad she found us.

I started working on my family tree many years ago but only recently have I uncovered ancestors dating back to the 1300’s. It has been a very exciting journey. Here is a list of those ancestors who immigrated to North America, the approximate date they arrived and their country of origin. I only guessed at the immigration date based on age and family history.

My Paternal Grandfather’s Ancestors:

Benjamin and Marguerite Barrett - circa1600 Scotland and France, respectively
Williams and Alice Betts - circa1650 - England
Francis and Ann Holmes - circa1650 - England
John and Rose Waterbury – circa 1625 - England
Evans and Jemima Lockwood – circa 1750 – England
John and Madeline Binnette – circa 1700 – France
Francois-Charles, Marguerite Aubert and daughter Clemence Marie– circa 1800 – France
Alzaphan Boswell – Circa 1825 – England
Bridgette Elizabeth Orchard – circa 1875 – England
Sarah Williams - circa 1850 – England
Charles and Mabel Patterson – circa 1825 – England

My Paternal Grandmother’s Ancestor

Richard and Margaret Harrison and their son, Thomas circa - 1650 – England

My Maternal Grandfather’s Ancestors

Peter and Theresa Versage – circa 1900 – Italy
Nicholas and Marian Crasco – circa 1900

My Maternal Grandmother’s Ancestors

Rosolino and Battestina Maria - circa 1900 – Italy

My immediate Family

My brother’s wife Precy Barrett and her son Lance– 2008 – Philippine
Dave’s parents, Antonio and Maria Borzillo – circa 1965 –Italy via Uruguay
Dave’s brother , Cosmo Borzillo - circa 1965– Uruguay
Dave’s sister-in-law - Divina Borzillo – circa 1985- Philippines
Birth mother of our soon to be adopted daughter, Hannah– circa 2000 - Mexico

Adoption Update

2010-04-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

We have been keeping this on the down low until now but I think it is finally time to go public. We were matched with a birth mother about two months ago. Yesterday we went for the level 2 ultra sound and found that we are having a baby girl!!! Unlike the ultrasound for the last baby, everything looks perfectly normal!

We are over the moon. I never realized you could fall in love by looking at a one-dimensional black and white profile of a tiny, partially developed human but it has happened to us. The due date is August 25. So, I guess I better start reading some of those parenting books that are collecting dust on the shelf!

Bad, bad blogger.

2010-02-24T04:54:00.000-08:00

I always have blog topics on my mind and then I never do anything about it. Maybe I am not the blogger I thought I was. This is very typical of me. Start a journal, never finish. Start a book, never finish. I am at the tail end of a compelling biography about Gladys Aylward. It is a short, simple book so why can't I finish it? Aylward was a missionary to China. I have been amassing a small library of books about China but have not actually finished reading any of them. It seems that life always gets in the way.

Today, my plan is to finish this blog post and my coffee, then start to do something I have procrastinated about for a very long time. Cleaning the windows, sills and frames. Yuck. It is a dirty job but somebody has to do it. Okay, here I go.

And for my next trick...

2009-12-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

My Dad has been bugging me about not having a place to sit and put his shoes back on at our house so I set out to find something to fit the bill. First I looked at ottomans at Home Goods. They were too short. They I looked at bar stools. They were too tall. I do not have room for a chair so I had to go to plan B.

I found a sturdy sewing bench at a thrift store for $5 several weeks ago. Although it had good bones it was terribly ugly. As you can see.

The fact that it has a lid with a little storage space gave me the idea to use it as a charging station for all the technology that we need to make it through the day.

So with a little elbow grease and a couple of yards of fabric from the clearance table, voila, we now have a place for Dad to sit to put his shoes on and a place to hide all our gadgets. It is not my best work, the hardware made it a little tricky. A family heirloom it is not, but overall I think it came out well enough to be attractive and very utilitarian. What do you think Dad?

The fruit (er, uh vegtable) of My Labor

2009-12-02T10:12:00.000-08:00

I ate the first salad out of my garden today! I had to thin the lettuce plants, which are really still just sprouts, out to 10" apart. At first I was feeling badly about throwing away the still very baby romaine but I thought "Why can't I eat this?" After washing away all the soil I plated it up with a little extra virgin olive oil, a squeeze of lemon, some kosher salt and black pepper. It was de-lish!

Today I planted spinach, arugula and Roma tomatoes. I think I planted the tomatoes correctly this time. Apparently you are supposed to put 80% of the plant below the soil, leaving only 20% above ground. So, I am hoping this plant looks a little healthier than the ones I plant last month, which are growing fruit but the plant its self looks a little weak.

A Baby in Heaven

2009-11-30T04:52:00.000-08:00

Last night we found out that the baby we were to adopt (the one with the severe birth defects) was delivered via C-section last Monday. He lived for three hours in his mother's arms and then went home to be with the Lord. I know we will meet him one day.

Adoption Update

2009-11-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

I know I said I did not want to make this blog all about infertility and adoption but I thought I should write a quick post about what the Lord is doing in my heart.

Since our failed adoption this summer I had not wanted to discuss next steps. Regarding this topic there was absolute silence between Dave and I until we went on a weekend getaway to the Cove. The Cove is the Billy Graham Training Center and it located in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina. The weekend we spent there was so refreshing and life giving. Pastor Bob Coy spoke for Ephesians 6. The title of his teaching was "What the Devil Does Not Want You to Discover." You can watch the teachings at this link.

This was the weekend that I knew we needed to discuss where we were going with the whole baby thing. So we did. We sought council from two people we trust. They both encouraged us to continue on in our pursuit of children. Both Dave and I have a piece about it and so we march forward, with our hearts and minds open to the child God brings into our lives one day.

Bugs Be Gone

2009-11-17T16:16:00.000-08:00

I realized that I probably need some kind of pest control in my fledgling garden. I am trying to be as "green" as time, money and convenience will allow so I did a little research on natural pest repellents. In a blink of an eye Google produced for me an entire list of ways to protect my produce. Here is the link. The one I chose seemed the most versatile. So I cooked up a brew of one whole onion, a head of garlic (both chopped, skins on) and a heaping tablespoon of red pepper flakes.

What I thought was going to smell overwhelmingly awful actually filled the house with a internet equivalent would be but this picture will have to do. The pot full is a concentrate and should last me a month or more. You can also add a little bit of mild dishsoap to make it extra potent.

Incommunicado

2009-11-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

It has been quite a while since I last posted but to be honest I just have not felt much like blogging but I am back. I am sure your life has not been the same without me. (yeah, right) I also plan to start reading some blogs again but I don't want to get bogged down with blogs! I have stuff to do and I am starting to feel creative again.

I have decided to make this blog less about the ups and downs of adoption/infertility and more about the freedom we have in Christ to live life abundantly, regardless of our circumstances.

I would like to share with you some of the things that make me happy. If you know me at all, you know one of the things I love is a good project. I know this is very geeky, but I have an excel spreadsheet of all the projects I have lined up. I won't bore you with the entire list but here is a sampling:

Plant a container garden
Make curtains for the family room
Spruce up the home office, master bathroom and entry way

Here are some pictures of the garden we started. My Dad helped us create the river pebble patio. Dave's dad is going to help us with future plantings. So far we have yellow pear tomatoes, garden variety red tomatoes, zucchini. The romaine lettuce has not yet sprouted. And for herbs - mint, thyme, basil, oregano and parsley.

Choose life.

2009-08-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

It will be two weeks ago tomorrow that we "lost" our baby. I have chosen not to despair but to have joy, faith and purpose. On Tuesday, September 1 I will be starting a Life Group at Christ Fellowship for all those women who have suffered infertility, miscarriage and failed adoption. At this point I am an expert in all three areas. I feel that God asked me to start a group like this about three years ago but I have put it off thinking that motherhood was imminent. I procrastinated long enough. I choose to allow God to use my heartache for his Glory and for the good of those who have suffered the same loss.

Habakuk 3: 17-19
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

Hope does dissapoint...

2009-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

We have been hoping for a baby for almost nine years and today we were disappointed once again. It was my expectation that I would be posting very happy news today along with ultrasound pictures of our soon to be adopted baby girl but that is not the case. As a matter of fact I was even waiting to blog at all until this day when I thought it would be a good time to tell everyone about the adoption.

We drove to Tampa to attend the level 2 ultrasound today. Unfortunately, the ultrasound revealed multiple, severe birth defects. Primarily, severe Spina Bifida. In addition, there is fluid on the brain; a misshapen skull and thickened skull base. The doctor could not see kidneys or a bladder and there is very little amniotic fluid which could mean underdeveloped lungs. All of this equals a very poor prognosis. Best case scenario is that, if the baby survives to term, she will be born with no use of her legs and significant brain damage and possibly die soon after birth.

Jan, the birth mother was very upset, mostly for us. She cried, we cried. At this point the adoption is off.

Romans 5:5 says that "hope does not disappointment. When I reread this verse today I finally realized that it is not talking about hope in getting the things we want or having the type of life we want. It is referring to the hope of salvation that we have in Christ Jesus. I have known this but I guess it just became real to me today. Misplaced hope does disappoint.

Adoption Update

2009-03-17T19:17:00.001-07:00

Today I submitted our immigration paper work for our China adoption for a third time. This is the application to adopt which the US government requires, not the government of China. To put this into perspective. We first submitted this way back in 2006. It is good for 18 months. So once 18 months had passed, we had to submit it again. That time the US government was gracious enough to do it for free. I think they were expecting that all of would have our babies home before it expired again. Well here we are just 6 weeks away from it expiring yet again. That means we have been waiting a total of 36 months plus the five months or so we were paper-chasing for China. That is a stinking long time! Imagine a 36 month long pregnancy. This time the US government was not so gracious and decided that they were not going to giveaway refiles for free so today I wrote out a big, fat check to the Department of Home Land Security. Fun.

But honestly, every time I have to do something regarding our adoptions, somehow, it makes me feel motherly, like I am doing something for the children that, at the moment, are only living in my hopes and dreams.

Daylight Savings Time

2009-03-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Love it or hate, here is a nifty website my dad sent me about daylight savings time. One thing every body complains about is loosing an hour sleep but why not go to bed an hour early and sleep in an hour late, especially since day light savings time always lands on a weekend. Doesn't it? Maybe I should dig into this website and find out for sure.

Recently I added a poll to another blog that I maintain for Christ Fellowship volunteers so I thought I would try one here. Take my little poll to let me know if you like day light savings time or could you live without it.

A Blessing in Disguise

2009-02-21T05:09:00.000-08:00

Dave's company closed its doors yesterday. I was shocked and devastated. My first thought was "what does this mean for our adoptions? " For sure we would have to postpone the domestic adoption. I did not bring up the topic until this morning, no need to stress Dave out at that point, I thought.

Although I could not understand why, Dave was almost jubilant about this turn of events. He began working his connections, preparing his resume and by the end of the day a few leads. He feels that this could be his opportunity to do what he really loves - aerospace engineering.

For quite a while Dave and I have not had to worry about our finances. We have a nice emergency fund. We have no debt except for the mortgage. We live on just one salary. My salary and the profit from my small book selling business is all extra. We have been using that money to save for adoption and recently we bought a new car with cash. (a money saving hybrid, and yes you do save money if you pay cash, not so much if you make take out a loan).

Anyway, back on track. Now I find myself becoming more and more excited about this opportunity. I really feel that these circumstances will help us to relate better to our budget coaching participants. It has also allowed our creative juices to flow. This morning Dave and I began discussing all the ways we can make our dollar stretch while he is out of work. We even discussed not really wanting to move too fast into another job so that we can really live and breath this experience and wait on just the right job. We understand, that not everyone is afforded such an opportunity and our heart just break for each family we know in such situtations.

At our last church staff meeting on Tuesday, Pastor Tom encouraged us to brainstorm about ways we could help the members of our church get through these tough economic times. The church certainly can't hand a check to every family behind on the mortgage. But there are many things we can do as a body of believers. And this is what we are so excited about! I am not sure how this will all pan out but I really want to take up this challenge and offer some ideas on how we can support each other as a church family. Flow, creative juices, flow.

Follow Up

2009-02-11T18:39:00.000-08:00

Just to follow up on my last post:

I did get an email back right away regarding the trial for in vitro matuartion. The one stumbling block - it is not free as are most medical trials. As far as fertility treatments go, it is relatively cheap - $5800 per cycle. But the trial is in New York so you would have to factor in travel costs. I have put it out of my mind as a possibility.
I never heard back from Jeopardy. I suppose that means that either my score was so poor they didn't think it was worth even responding or they found that I am such a genius they are taking their time trying to decide how to respond. OK, maybe I am delusional.

There is nothing new to report on the adoption front. I spoke with our attorney and she has zippo in the works right now but still feels that the process will be much quicker than China. Speed is all relative.

In the meantime, I am keeping busy with church stuff and my own personal book selling business. Both of which consume the vast majority of my time. Dave and I decided that if an adoption does not come through within a few months than I should quit one or the other. I agree completely.

Oh, I got my hair highlighted for the first time ever. I will post a picture as soon as I get my haircut - hopefully this Friday.

Waiting for a response

2009-01-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today I signed up for two things that are going to require some patience. I think I have learned patience quite well over the past few years.

The first thing is a clinical trial for a new type of fertility treatment call IVM or In Vitro Maturation. You can read about it here. I submitted my request to be in the study. I figured why not, if it is free and they don't create so many embryoes we can't use them all. If that is the case we will not go through with it.

The second this is the Jeopardy Test. I just finished the 50 question test. I have no idea how I did. Many questions I felt very confident, others I guessed at and a few I just passed altogether. At the end of the test the message said that my score was being calculated and I would be notified by email. There is still one more chance to take the test tomorrow night. So I am challenging all my blog buddies to take it! Maybe we can be on Jeopardy together!

You may or may not want to know how I have been doing over the past few weeks. Either way, I will tell you. Some days have been rough, others better. I am a little mad, a little sad. And really lacking faith that God is going to do anything about it. In my head I know that is not true but my heart feels differently.

I will post the results on both counts as soon as I hear anything.

Adoption Update, bad news...

2009-01-09T16:15:00.000-08:00

So, here is the bad news - our adoption fell through. You may have already read Dave's blog but I thought I would go into a little more detail so I don't have to repeat the story over and over. I think it is best explained by way of a time line from the past few days.

Tuesday AM - Our birth mother (BM) was supposed to have had an ultrasound to determine the baby's due date and the gender. She knew I would be calling to talk with her.

Tuesday PM - When I called BM, she answered the phone and said, "Chrissy?" I said, no, this is Danielle. She asked, "Danielle who?" I almost slipped and used my last name but I quickly recovered and said, "Danielle with attorney LF (I used the full name)." It took her a minute and then she realized who I was. It was a very awkward moment. I thought, "how could you forget the name of the women who would be raising your child?" Our conversation moved on to her doctor's appointment. She explained that the ultrasound machine was broken but she did get to hear the heart beat and that it was strong. Her appointment was rescheduled for 9am the next morning. She went on to say that her other children we asking about us. She reiterated how happy she was to have found a couple like us and how right it felt. BM said I could call on Wednesday night at 8pm. As we hung up I was dissapointed and had a sinking feeling,

Wednesday AM - We spoke with attorney, LF. She explained the birth mother expenses to us. She said she would call as soon as she heard from BM. LF also said that she would have the medical records ready for us on Friday. Getting BM's medical record's would have been the next step in the process. Once this was done we would have started to pay BM's expenses.

Wednesday PM, 8pm - I attempted to cal BM. She did not answer. I spoke with LF, she suggested I wait about 3o minutes and call again. I did. Still no answer.

Thursday - We don't here from BM or LF at all. I tried calling LH a couple of times, no response. I did not try to call BM. By this time I was begginning to suspect something was not right.

Friday AM, 10:45am - I arrived at LF's offices to pick up BM's medical records. It is then that I find out that on Wednesday, LF asked BM for her lease to verify the rent request and ssince conversation BM had not returned any of the eight or so calls by LF on Wednesday or Thursday. LF also explains that another adoption attorney called to ask her if BM had been matched with a couple. LF said yes, reffering to Dave and I. That attorney then explained that BM had just called her asking to see parent profiles. LF also told me that BM had told her that her appointment for the ultrasound was at 1pm not 9am on Wednesday, which was another inconsistency. LF said that she does not like working with birth mothers who fail to return phone calls and appear to be deceptive. LF feels that this particular birth mother has been dishonest in her dealings and that we should not go any futher with her.

So that is basically it. I apologize if it is a little jumbled. It has been that kind of week. I am glad that our attorney saw the red flags before we started putting out non-recoverable expenses to the birth mother. Beyond our heartbreak, I feel for this child. It is unlikely that BM will find an attorney who is willing to work with her. I believe she truly was looking for an adoptive family, I just think she was shopping around for the best deal so to speak.

Although I did cry initially while I was with our attorney, I am not sure whether my lack of tears now is just peace or if it is resignation to the fact that this is just the way it is for us. I'd like to think it is the peace that passes all understanding that Phillipians 4:7 talks about.

Well, I have rambled enough. I don't really like how this post reads but it is all I've got tonight.

Feeling Anxious

2009-01-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

This week has been torture. We were supposed to find out the gender and due date of the baby but days have passed and no word from birth mother or attorney. I hope she calls tonight. I cannot stand the wait. It is making me feel as if maybe Jane is wavering in her commitment to the adoption plan. Everyone tells me just be patient, well I don't want to be. I want to know now. I want the baby now. I don't want this to fall through. I don't want to be a fool for believing, once again, that we have hope of becoming parents. I don't want to have to keep my job just because there is no baby at the end of this tunnel. I wish I had not told anyone but family about being matched with a birth mother because that means if it falls through then I have to go back with egg on my face once again and tell everyone there will be no baby this time... again. I want to trust God but so far He has not given me my hearts desire in this area. I want to believe it will happen. I don't want to be heartbroken.

New Look for my Blog

2009-01-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

Let me know what you think about my new look! I found this template on The Cutest Blog Ever. A Face Book friend referred me to the site but I am thinking in may be a little too "cute" for me. If you know of any other sites that offers free blog templates let me know.

The Best New Year's Eve Ever

2009-01-02T03:57:00.000-08:00

We had the best New Year's Eve ever and we went to bed at 10:30. Probably emotionally exhausted from talking by phone with the mother of our first child!!!! Our attorney called and said that she would like to speak with us that very night. I will call her Jane for the sake of anonymity.

So after praying and shaking off the nerves, we called. At first we dialed the wrong number, talk about anti-climatic. Then we got the correct number and dialed again. Jane answered. The voice on the other end of the line belong to a person is about to make the most significant, most courageous life altering choice of her life and ours. She chose us to be the recipient of her selfless, sacrificial act of compassion and grace. Compassion for an unborn child who will live a better life and grace for this heartbroken couple who have longed for a child for too many years.

Jane is amazing and sweet and her voice was so familiar. Not in the sense that I know her but in a way, that makes me feel that Jane and I must have shared a womb. And in some sense we will.

Jane was articulate and kind. She seemed to be at peace with her decision and we could tell it contemplated for months, possibly even prayed about. She was excited for us and happy to know that we too were thrilled to have this blessing.

We will meet in person some time in the very near future. To see the face that may resemble that of our first child's face will be amazing. Amazing is much too small a word to adequately describe that moment.

11th Anniversary Weekend

2008-12-28T18:46:00.000-08:00

OK, so here comes a non-baby blog which I am sure will be rarity in the coming weeks and months.

Dave and I spent our 11th anniversary weekend in Miami Beach. We stayed at the Eden Roc, which is a Marriott Renaissance Resort. It is an uber-modern hotel right on the beach. We spent time just walking on the board walk, talking, dreaming, etc.

On our way to Miami we stopped at Ikea the Scandinavian furniture store. We were seriously looking for some bookshelves for Dave's office so that I could, one day, transfer my inventory for my on-line bookstore into his office. At the time we did not know a baby was just around the corner, we were just forcasting our future needs. And now they are pressing needs! Yeah! Here are the bookshelves we are considering but maybe in a lighter color.

Saturday night we dined at Texas de Brazil. It was amazing. If you have never eaten at a Brazilian churrascaria you really should make reservations for this weekend. It's not just dinner it is an experience. I know I look super sleepy or drunk in the picture but I was neither, the picture was taken just as I was blinking from too bright a flash.

On Sunday morning we were on our way home and thought about stopping at Mizner Park in Boca but decided to stop at City Place instead. We were just about there when Dave said, "You know church at the Harriet starts in about 20 minutes." My first reaction was "no way, it would be too much like work." Since I work for Christ Fellowship, Stuart Campus, most of my weekends are spent organizing and analyzing church and I really did not want to do that on our anniversary weekend. Once we arrived at City Place we realized that none of the shops are open at 11am on Sunday morning so we decided to attend the CF, City Place Campus afterall. And I am glad we did. It was such a blessing to just be able to attend church without having to view it through the lense of employment. Just to enjoy the message, the worship and time with the Lord was such a blessing and a perfect end to a wonderful weekend with my husband.

I need your help!

2008-12-26T15:45:00.000-08:00

I need your help!. I am trying to create a check list of things we need to do before we bring home the baby. This is what I have so far:

Create an estate plan (will and revocable trust)
Plan the nursery
Work on the new household budget to include baby related expenses
Take an infant CPR and first class
Find and interview a pediatrician
Read some parenting books
Update medical insurance plan
Buy a car seat
Visit with birth mother
Create a gift registry

I am sure there are more tasks that need to be done but I just can't think of what they are. Any suggestions?

Adoption Update

2008-12-20T03:09:00.000-08:00

In about 10 weeks Dave and I will be parents! It is almost too wonderful to be true. Someone pinch me! I got the call from our attorney on Thursday morning while I was driving to work. Unless I wanted to risk life and limb I had to pull over for this conversation. She asked if we wanted our profile to be presented to a birth mother she was meeting with that afternoon. She explained the situation to me and after conferring with Dave via cell phone for about 2 seconds, I called her back and said yes. I then went to work as if I would be able to concentrate on anything. I recruited several co-workers to pray - not hard to find when you work at a church.

At about 2:30 our attorney called to let us know that the birth mother chose us to be the parents of her child. I can only imagine how difficult a choice that must of been. To choose who would be the most loving, most nurturing, all around best parents to your child. How agonizing! I totally respect her for making this nearly impossible, life altering decision. She will forever be my hero.

Now, there is lots of planning and preparation to do. I have spent nearly eight years just trying to get a baby have not spent much time actually preparing to parent a baby. So now the books come out, the internet research begins in earnest and the adoption support group at church is calling my name.

Now, my only fear is the birth mother changing her mind. But my best friend, Nicole reminded me that even in pregnancy there are fears that something will go wrong. Then once you have the baby you worry about the child's health and safety. I guess there will always be something to worry about. But we have one great Hope, one great Trust. That is the Lord. He has not given us the spirit of fear but love, power and a sound mind! I am claiming that today and for the next 10 weeks.

Soon I will post pictures of our recent anniversary weekend in Miami Beach.

Tea House

2008-12-01T19:46:00.000-08:00

I just changed the theme on my G-mail account. It is called "Tea House." The setting is a Chinese Pagoda with a cute little cartoon fox in a hat setting up for tea time. This is the first full day I have had this theme so I just realized that the page changes slightly throughout the day. This morning the background was a rising sun and now, at night, the moon and the stars appear and the little fox is hanging paper lanterns. It made me remember that as the sun sets and rises on Dave and I in the midst of our heartbreak of not having a child, the sun also rises and sets on an impoverished Chinese couple who will one day soon have to lay down their dreams of raising a second child, a beautiful baby girl. This precious little one will break their hearts and fulfill our dreams. My heart hurts for them.

Adoption Profile

2008-11-20T17:34:00.001-08:00

Here is the front cover of our profile.

Out of the loop

2008-11-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much, friends, for asking where I have been lately!!!! I know I have been a little out of touch but that is because every moment I have spent on the computer for the last month has either been to work or to work on our adoption portfolio. It is finally finished and at the printer. I dropped it off at Staples at 1pm today, the said they started trying to print it at 5pm (the time I was hoping to pick it up) but the file is so large (65MB) that as of 6:30 it was still in the process of printing. It is only a 14 page document but I guess because there are so many pictures and graphics on it it really slows things down. What I don't understand is why when I brought it to Office Depot last night it printed up quickly but not that great of quality. Since I dropped it off at the Staples in Palm Beach Gardens and I in in Port St. Lucie my Dad volunteered to pick it up for me and deliver it to the attorney tomorrow. Hopefully it will be done printing by then. I am going to try to upload a page or two of our profile so you can see what I am talking about. Now, that I have bored you to tears here are a few things I could have blogged about over the past few weeks

Dave has been working on a big presentation for a class. Tonight he delivered in front a large group of space entrepreneurs. I can't wait to hear all about it.
Work/church has been rough - can't really go into detail - but suffice it to say I will be soooo glad to be a stay at home mom, hopefully soon
We took my nephew, Lance to see his first space shuttle launch. It was amazing!!! We were about 15 miles away and had a clear view across the inter coastal. It was at night but it lite up the sky as if it went from dawn to full noon in about 90 seconds. All I could think was this it the most spectacular thing man has ever done, technologically speaking.
I am almost done decorating my living room. My mom informed me that the drapes I made need to be floor length so I am on the hunt for some brown fabric and maybe some fringed to add to the bottom. I will post some pictures so you can give me your opinion.
We went for a nice hike at Ox Bow park two weekends ago. It was lovely. Saw an armadillo.
Dave brother it totally into blogging now - all political stuff. Cosmo and Dave share in the writing. Check it out here. And no I have not been reading this one either. I just have not had any time!!!!

I am sure there are other things but I will save them for another day. BTW, I will be catching up with all of your blogs real soon!

Adoption Update

2008-10-23T16:18:00.001-07:00

Today we submitted our paperwork and a big check to a private adoption attorney. We are still in line for our China adoption but we believe it is still years away. Last night as I was laying on the couch between wakefulness and sleep a thought raced through my head and heart- "I am going to be 40 in two years and don't have children yet!" I have thought this before but never did it jar me awake like it did last night. So, putting all our eggs in the China basket just is not an option. The attorney we are using actually advertises for birth mothers so the likely hood that we will get a baby is good. I probably won't post many details about this adoption for the sake of anonymity.

I am excited and apprehensive, feeling hopeful and helpless. Only the Lord knows the hows and whens. I have struggled with hearing from Him lately but today I was reminded of two verses of scripture, both from the Psalms.

"Praise the Lord!

Yes, give praise, O servants of the Lord.
Praise the name of the Lord!
Blessed be the name of the Lord
now and forever.
Everywhere—from east to west—
praise the name of the Lord.
For the Lord is high above the nations;
his glory is higher than the heavens.

Who can be compared with the Lord our God,
who is enthroned on high?
He stoops to look down
on heaven and on earth.
He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!
He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.

Praise the Lord!"

and

"Unless the Lord builds a house,
the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
guarding it with sentries will do no good.
It is useless for you to work so hard
from early morning until late at night,
anxiously working for food to eat;
for God gives rest to his loved ones.

Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates."

These scriptures do three things for me: 1.) They remind me that I don't read or cherish God's word often enough and 2.) That God's heart is full of compassion for the childless, the barren. 3.) Show me that the Lord is the giver of children. I don't take either scripture as a direct promise that God will give me children rather that He will give me comfort and meaning despite my circumstances.

My Crystal Ball

2008-10-09T15:58:00.000-07:00

I have been away from the blog-o-sphere for a while - again - let's see if I remember how to do it. Oh yes, just type and let the words flow. I went back to my Endocrinologist this week only to find that I am a healthy specimen with the exception of one thing. My body thinks that my thyroid is a foreign object and is attacking it. This is called Hashimoto's Disease. The doctor did not give me the name he just told me what was happening. When I relayed this information to my wonderful friend Carolyn, she put a name to the face so to speak. For now, my thyroid is functioning normally (good news) but one day it will no longer be able to withstand the attack and will succumb to Quasimodo, I mean Hashimoto. So for now, I will enjoy good health and try to do something about improving my fitness so that when my thyroid finally gives up the rest of my body won't.

(this was written last week, I just never got around to posting it.)

Adoption Update

2008-09-29T16:50:00.000-07:00

Technically nothing has really happened but I thought I would jot a few things down. China just matched another set of LIDs (Log In Dates) today. It looks like about 6 days of LIDs were matched and it has been just 27 days since the last match day on Sept 2. So matching twice in one month is a slightly good sign although I am not putting much stock in it.

The average number of LIDs that have been matched each 30 or so days over the past 18 months has been 6 so if they continue matching at that rate we will get our referral in September 2010. Two years from now. If they double the speed at which they are currently matching to 12 per 30 days then we could recieve a referral in October of 2009. Either way it is a long wait. A hard wait.

In the meantime, we are still deciding on whether or not we should start the process of working with a private attorney for a domestic adoption. The cost is significant and with the annoucenment today about the DOW plummeting and the rejection by the House of the bailout financial times are looking bleak which means that maybe we should hang on to our money. Part of me wants to just throw caution to the wind and just get a baby any way possible, the other part thinks that maybe we should just be conservative and plan for the worse. What would you do?

PS - Thank you ladies for all your comments on my last post!

Bullet Points Continued

2008-09-21T14:47:00.001-07:00

So I guess my bullet points really were paragraphs. Oh well, I tried.Let me try again...

We had a good turn out at third weekend for CF, Stuart Campus - 863 adults. Not sure how many kids and students.
It seems that Stuart is very fertile. There were tons of babies in services this morning, leaving me feeling very sad and very empty.
A wonderful volunteer and adoptive mother herself has been a blessing to me.
The house needs to be cleaned and I don't feel up to it.
I have no idea what to make for dinner, maybe takeout
Tomorrow I will be starting Lies Young Women Believe by Nancy Lee DeMoss with the three teenage girls I mentor.
Still thinking of a new blog name. Something about books, since books consume much of my time.
I would love it if I knew more people were reading my blog. Comments anyone?

Bullet Points

2008-09-19T20:51:00.001-07:00

Whenever I have lived away from home my Mom often sent me letters with bulleted lists of items that did not necessarily warrant an entire paragraph but were worth mentioning so since I have been "away" from blogging for a while I decided bullet points would be the most efficient way to update the past few weeks.

Church - successful Christ Fellowship, Stuart Campus launch, over 1200 people the first week in attendance, still need to tweak some things to get it just right. It really keeps my busy, too busy. Now that we have launched all I want to do is start thinking about a baby but...

Adoption - Still waiting on China. This time there was only 22 days between matching days and they did 9 LIDS, which I think is a slight speed up. Yeah!! Had a a couple of false starts with domestic adoption - I hate when hope fades so quickly. We met with a new adoption attorney today, still in the process of deciding whether or not to give her the $1500 retainer to match us with a birth mom, other expenses to follow.

Space - I am so proud of Dave for pursuing his passion for space by taking rocket science classes (I know there is a more technical term for the degree he is pursuing). I am also very proud of him for applying for the astronaut core. Still no rejection letter. Hopefully he will get invited to the interview stage. Tonight Dave woke up after being fast asleep on the couch. He was searching for something. I asked him what he was looking for and in his groggy state he said "Where's the rocket." I knew he actually meant the remote.

Health - I have not been very good about eating but I have managed to consistently exercise. Yeah me! Went back to the reproductive endocronologist for testing. 17 vials of blood later I should know what is wrong with me - if anything. I just dread the thought that my endometriosis is back, I am pretty sure it is. Yuck. Meeting with the nutritionist on 10/6.

I know I have more bullets in me but it is getting late and the allergy medicine I took that caused me to not be able to sleep is starting to wear off, thankfully.

Absentee Blogger

2008-08-31T12:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I have been out of touch lately. I have been blogging in my mind, I just have not had time to blog for real. Anyway, now with both Stuart Campus trial runs and 14 days straight without a day off behind me, I can breathe and blog. Stuart Campus is up and running for the most part. There are still several little details that need to be taken care of for the big launch next week but I am so confident in our team and most of all, in our God, that I know everything will be just as it should be. We are expecting about 1000- 1200 people for the first few weeks and then most likely it will taper off to about 800. On the way to the church/high school I prayed that God's holy spirit would be felt in that place and that lives would be changed. I sense that God is going to do an amazing work on the Treasure Coast. It is humbling to be a part of it all.

We are excited to be making improvements to the high school we are using. Yesterday we painted and polished. Next week we will bring in potted trees, stock the teacher's lounge with goodies and finish painting. We want to add value to the community and this in one way we can do that.

Really I am too tired to make any sense blogging so maybe I will take a break and come back later.

The Eve

2008-08-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the eve of our first set up for Christ Fellowship, Stuart Campus. Thankfully, I do not feel stressed one bit. I am sure it is God's grace but it also is because we have a great team of people working to bring Christ to the Treasure Coast. I also think it is due in part to the fact that I am not totally invested in this process. Right or wrong, it is how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about the work God is going to do in Martin and St. Lucie counties and I am glad to be a part of it. The thing that God has been speaking to me is that this is His church, his work and he is responsible for the results, all I have to do is my job to the best of the ability He has given me. That really is a huge relief. It is about resting in Christ, as my co-worker, Michael, reminded us of this week. So excuse me if I do not blog that much over these next two weeks before our official launch on 9/7. I will be resting.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Saturday Snapshots

2008-08-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to think of a regular segment to feature on my blog. My friend Carolyn has Flashback Fridays. I have been racking my brains and I think I have finally came up with one - Saturday Snapshots. It came to me this morning as I watched three Dish Network technicians peer in through my back window while trying to fix our satellite service. I grabbed my camera to take a picture but the disk was full!!! Bummer, it would have made a great Saturday Snapshot. The one tech has been here since 8am, the other two arrived about 30 minutes ago. They are all still here. It has been five hours. Maybe I can still get my shot.

Anyway, I am going to try to take random snapshots of our Saturdays and see how it goes.

addendum: no such luck. everyone is gone and no picture. You'll just have to believe me that it would have been a great Saturday scene. Good news: the satellite is fixed. After five hours they discovered the arm was a few inches too long.

Saturday Snapshots: Big Boy Toy

2008-08-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Saturday) Dave got a new toy. Here are some pictures of him showing it off to our neighbor, Mark. Notice he has the instructions in his hand.

Saturday Snapshots: Making Cavetelli

2008-08-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Both Dave's parents and mine came over last Saturday. The boys went outside to play with power tools and built a ramp for the shed while the girls stayed inside to make pasta from scratch. Actually my mother-in-law made the dough at home and we just cut and curled it. Here are some pictures of us making the cavatelli. Sorry no pictures of the sweaty guys. I know you are dissapointed.

Olympics

2008-08-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone is talking about or blogging about the Olympics so I thought I should too. I am not really all that into sports or athletics but I am loving all the little tidbits of information about China's culture and history. And the opening ceremonies - Amazing. It was truly a testament to the Chinese people's creativity and discipline. How about those children? Are they not the most adorable kids you have ever seen? These two weeks of Olympic games are bringing us a little closer emotionally to our precious little china doll whom we hope to bring home soon. Abigail, we are coming soon, baby.

Unexpected Phone Call

2008-08-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

I just received an unexpected phone call from a lady who volunteers at Christ Fellowship. It has been at least a year since we have spoken, maybe more. She called to tell me about a mutual friend who is going through a difficult medical situation and family troubles. She asked me about our adoption. I filled her in on the all the progress or lack thereof. She reminded me that she too had fertility issues and waited 8 years before giving birth to her first daughter. Her second child came through adoption 7 years later. She was 40. She told me of the joys of being an older mom and how it has kept her young. She now has grandchildren and is enjoying them thoroughly. Believe it or not the fear of being a very old grandmother weighs heavy on my heart. She also encouraged me not to give up on possible medical cures for our infertility. She had severe endometriosis and had multiple surgeries. So many people want to offer their good wishes, a listening ear, advice and encouragement which I love because it lets me know they care and wish they could change things for me. But when the words come from someone who has been there they have greater meaning. Just to know they have crossed the same raging river and made it across alive brings me great solace and hope. So Jean, thank you.

Thinking of a New Name

2008-08-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

I really, really want a new name for my blog. When I first started this blog I was undecided about what I should concentrate on. The most prominent thing in my life was our desire to have children and the long journey to parenthood, thus the name Expectant Danielle. My blog has really turned into something more than that. So, I am on a quest to find a new creative name. I am open to suggestions. I have a few idea myself but I don't want to hamper your creativity. So, think away and leave me a comment with your most creative names.

My New Theme Song: Slow Boat To China

2008-08-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

I know the lyrics don't quit fit our situation but I certainly feel like I am on the slowest boat ever to China!

Adoption Update, sort of...

2008-08-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

There really is not much to say but I will try. Our domestic adoption agency thought there might be some possibilities this past week but neither seem to be working out. Here are the directors words in an email to me, "things are not going as optimally as they could have with those particular situations, but we are still praying… You’ll be the first to hear!" So that was somewhat disappointing. Then we got connected with a LCSW who facilitates adoptions. Dave and I discussed it and decided that rather than sailing three boats at a time we would stick to two for now and revisit the third boat in 2 or 3 months.

China, our first boat, is still a waiting game. With the Olympics being in Beijing this year, I am reminded about China every day. I am somewhat hopeful that when the Olympics are over the adoption program will pick up speed but nobody really knows. One can hope!

In the meantime I try to spend time with my Nephew. Yesterday we went to Ikea and Wannado City with my friend Ivanna and her two kids. We had a great time. Ikea is very family friendly and we were able to drop of the two older kids in the Magic Forest playground and then look around the store. I loved it, very modern and very european. I can't wait to go there to really shop. The kids loved the Magin Forest. It was love all around. Wannado City was fun too albeuit very, very loud. It was so enjoyable to just watch kids find joy and wonder.

Thinking about Babies and Books. Bibles, no so much

2008-07-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

All I can think about is babies and books. I say "Bibles, not so much" becuase I needed a "B" word to represent all my church work. It is not that I am not thinking about the Bible. Because I am thinking about it. About how it says that children are a blessing from the Lord and trying to juxtapose that with the fact that Jesus said "take up your cross and follow me." Is my cross infertility? If that is the case I am picking it up along with my conflicted self and schlepping them to work each day. Anyway, it just has been difficult this week because it seems that maybe, just maybe there are a couple of adoption possibilities, that might possibly, maybe not, or maybe be coming to fruition sometime soon, maybe later, not now, never, maybe tomorrow, or next week, three months from now or next year. Confused by my sentence structure? That is what the adoption journey is like.

Speaking of sentence structure, books. Books have been on my mind because I started this on-line bookstore with the intent to have a business I could run while I was a stay-at-home mom. Despite the fact that that is being delayed (understatement) I am still running the business and anticipate August (book shopping season) to be a great month for sales but the unfortunate thing is I don't have much time to go out and scout for inventory. I try to squeeze it in every now and then but I really want to go out for a full day(s) of scouting. That won't be happening as long as I am working at church.

Believe It or Not...

2008-07-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, this is a wax figure of Dave in his most natural position. Just kidding. This picture is of Dave volunteering for the Christ Fellowship on-line campus. He makes sure that the video streaming is set up correctly and helps moderate the chat room. About 4,000 people join us on-line every weekend from around the world. It is like taking a virtual mission trip. How neat that ministry can take place while in your PJ's laying on the couch.

Instead of Moving...

2008-07-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

We have been in our house now for 2.9 years. So one of two things needs to happen within the next week. Either we need to move or I need to clean the oven. Typically, we just move instead of cleaning the oven but considering the current housing market I guess I better just buckle down, pull out the oven manual and find out how to use the self cleaning feature.

My Click-able Life

2008-07-27T04:12:00.001-07:00

My life is now officially click-able. You can connect with our virtual world at www.borzillo.com. Dave set up this website so that all the paparazzi and rag mags can can find out everything they want to know about us in one place. So, all you photogs out there, back off we will give you all the pictures you need. As if...

Read This Book

2008-07-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday after eating lunch with my mom, (a very healthy lunch) I stopped by a thrift store to do some quick book shopping for my on-line store. I found a book entitled Lies Women Believe by Nancy Lee DeMoss. So last night instead of posting it for sale I thought I would read some of it. I have listened many times to the author on Moody radio and thought that the premise of the books sounded interesting but I really thought that I did not believe any lies or even have any mis- perceptions about life. But....

On the back cover it listed some lies and one caught my eye. It is lie #12: "I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings." This hit me square in the eyes so I turned right to page 82. DeMoss hypothesizes that we are encouraged by media, society, etc that we need to identify our longings and do whatever it takes to get those needs met. This leads us to fulfill those longings in illegitimate ways. She goes on to say that there are two truths to counteract this lie. The first is that we must "recognize that we will always have unfulfilled longings this side of heaven." The second truth is that the "deepest longing of our hearts cannot be fulfilled by any created person or thing." So I began to think about my longing for a baby. I know this is a legitimate desire but I cannot, I must not make having a child the end all and be all of life. I cannot put that kind of pressure on myself, my husband, my marriage or any children I might have in the future. Especially on the children. Children should not be a check on the list of things to do, goals to obtain or desires to be fulfilled. Children are a blessing, a gift from God, something he may or may not choose to give me. And somehow I have to be OK with that.

Lance and Bo

2008-07-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

I just had to do another quick post tonight. My Mom just sent me pictures of my nephew Lance taken at Compass Lake in the Hills. We vacationed there often when I was young and still do occasionally. My parents took Lance last week. It this picture he is riding a horse named Bo. Before Lance left he told me that he was too afraid to ride a horse but I explained that he would ride an old, slow horse. Sure enough he did ride a old, slow horse. Bo has been there for about 25 years. My brother and I used to ride him more than two decades ago. As you can see Lance is holding his nose. My mom explained that Bo was relieving himself, I guess we could call Bo an old fart.

I met Tutie!

2008-07-20T17:51:00.001-07:00

It has been about a week since I made a blog entry. I was away at the Retailers show last week and on Friday and throughout the weekend I have been a bit under the weather. The show was great and I think we really accomplished a lot. We met with vendors and our bookstore designer and now I feel like we are on the same page and moving forward with the design. But the most exciting moment of the show was meeting Kim Fields, who played Tutie on The Facts of Life. Take a walk down memory lane and watch this clip of the show introduction. I know this is so corny but that show really did mean a lot to me. I grew up with those four girls. The topics presented in each episode were always meaningful, handled in a responsible way and in many ways prepared me for my teenage years. It is good to know that at least two of the cast members are now serving the Lord with their talents. Kim was at the show promoting an audio Bible on which does part of the reading. There were many other authors at the show doing book signings, including this guy, a George Bush impersonator. Yes, I did the cheesy thing and had my picture taken with him. I got there a little to late to stand in line to meet Chuck Colsen but I was standing just a few feet away when I took this picture. I was totally disappointed to find out that I missed an opportunity to meet Kirk Cameron. His latest movie (yes, he is still acting) Fireproof is due out the theaters on September 26. It is produced by the same people who made Facing the Giants. Besides meeting all kinds of interesting people I got tons of free stuff like books and music. from what I understand this year's show was not as well attended. Even Thomas Nelson, one of the largest religious publisher did not a have booth. The hard economic times, big box retailers and the on-line shopping have made it difficult for small, family or church run Christian bookstore to stay in business. Never-the-less innovation and creativity is alive and well among Christian retailers.

That's it for tonight. I do have other things to blog about, possibly even an adoption update. Although I am unsure if I want to discuss it this prematurely. So, I will sleep on it.

Not that this should be a side bar because it is major news but it is going to be a busy week since we got the vote to start up Christ Fellowship, Stuart Campus at Martin County High School. More on that later as well.

New Bookstore

2008-07-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

I have added to my portfolio of Bookstores, Shopping for a Cause. You can find the link off to the right of this page. Whenever you buy through "Shopping for a Cause" 4% of the purchase price will benefit Homes of Hope.

It is still is the preliminary phases and I will be adding product to it daily and possibly changing the design a little. So, if you have books or any other product that can be ordered through Amazon just let me know and I will add it to my store. After it is added you can purchase it through Shopping for a Cause (which is actually Amazon.) My profit from each purchase is 4% which I will be donating directly to Homes of Hope.

I am pretty excited about this so send me your wish list of books, music, videos, whatever and I will add it to my product list.

Up and at 'em

2008-07-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

I never made it to the bed, just the couch. I did not want to wake up Dave and I wasn't sure if I would be able to get back to sleep but I did. I think I was dreaming in blog-ish. Ever since I started blogging, this has been happening frequently, mostly in that in-between state of sleep and awake. Now, only if I can remember what it was that I was "blogging" about. I think maybe this was it:

This week: This past Thursday I attended an adoption support group at our church. I don't know what I was expecting but it was not what I got. The group was mostly made up of people who already have adopted children who were adopted at an older age. becuase of this the overriding theme of the evening was RAD or reactive attachment disorder cause by lack of bonding early in a child's life. RAD is fairly common among children adopted as toddlers and older. It was really a little scary. I had met one to the group members before and when she found out that were are adopting her first reaction alarming. She warned me to educated about RAD immediately, not congratulations and then warning, not, oh I am an adoptive mother too, and then the warning. Just the warning. My mom was there when this happened and just recommended I not get discouraged by what she was saying. So, I am not discouraged and I am getting educated but I also understand that RAD is not nearly as common in children adopted as infants or before the age of 12 months. I also know there is so much that can be done to bond with my adopted babies. If you want to learn more you can go to the Attachment Parenting website.

At the end of the meeting I spoke with the director of our domestic adoption agency and he assured me that becuase of the group's diversity we would be sub-dividing according to our specific situations. I was relieved because I want to be supportive to this new ministry and to our adoption agency.

Next Week: I am going to to the International Christian Retail Show next week. This is the really big one and it is right in Orlando. I will be hunting for home decor and gift items for our new church bookstore which will be opening in October. And as fun as that will be I am most looking forward to all the free stuff. Distributors, authors and publishers will all be hocking their wares and are more than happy to give you free samples. Last time I went to the ICRS smaller show I took home tons of stuff but I was unprepared for the booty and did not have the proper suitcase so half the product broke loose from the cheap giveaway tote I checked on to the airplane and most everything got wet. This time I will be prepared with a nice rolling carry-on type suitcase.

Up too early

2008-07-13T02:55:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning at about 5am, not because I wanted too, just because I could not sleep. Now that it is almost 6am I feel tired but would I be able to fall asleep if I went back to bed. Who knows? Its the weekend I should just sleep instead I feel I need to be productive. I am going to back to bed. I have to try.

Flowers Make me Happy!

2008-07-09T19:11:00.001-07:00

My blog is looking a little tired so I thought I would brighten it up with a picture of this Amaryllis in my backyard. It makes me happy.

Adoption Update

2008-07-09T08:03:00.001-07:00

Not too much to report today. The most recent refferals for China from the CCAA came this week and they only matched 5 days of LIDs this month. With all the early hype I was expecting a few more days than that. Also, nothing new with domestic adoption. Except that I heard yesterday in our church staff meeting that we will be opening an unwed mother's home. All I could think is - oooh, another baby factory! Can I place my order now?

On the fertility front, I spoke with a friend yesterday who has been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. She was put on a very strict diet to control her sugar and loose weight. The first week on this diet she lost 6.8 pounds. (Conrats C!! And thank you for the talk yesterday.) I woke up this morning thinking about visiting this doctor, I know I am crazy after all the medical proceedures I have been through this past year. Maybe I am a glutten for punishment or maybe at 37 I am just desperate for babies!!! So from what I gather this RE takes a look at your sugar levels, thyroid (I have growth that my family doctor keeps tabs on) and metabolism. All these things intersect with fertility. So, I have decided that if insurance will cover it I am going to take the plunge and visit this doctor even though I said no more medical intervention and the fact that the office is about an hour and half from my home. I have to explore all my options.

So not desperate

2008-07-06T03:18:00.000-07:00

I just realized that maybe I sounded a little desperate in my post "maybe I'm just not that interesting." But it did garner some comments. Yeah! So I know people are reading.

Today Dave and I are going to the Kennedy Space Center where we will go on a the "old launch pads" tour. I know what you are thinking, "how fun could that be?" But for Dave, who is studying rocket science, this is truly better than sliced bread. And since I support NASA and all that they do to keep us moving forward technologically I am going to enjoy myself too. NASA is making a concerted effort to become cooler. So checkout their website, think like a really cool rocket scientist and enjoy.

Honoring Our Heroes

2008-07-05T19:04:00.001-07:00

Tonight in church service Pastor Tom brought up on stage a service man named Miguel. He is currently on a short leave from serving in Iraq. He is home to be with his wife as she has surgery. While in Iraq Miguel watches the Christ Fellowship worship services live on-line. After Miguel took his seat Pastor said he felt the Lord impressed upon him to have the men of the congregation shake this serviceman's hand and at the same time pass on a little gift (money, implied) and instructed Miguel not to rush off after service. First of all Pastor Tom rarely ever does something like this. He rarely ever spontaneously says the Lord impressed him to do anything while in a worship service.

I happened to be sitting behind this man and his family. After the service was over I purposely stayed seated to watch what would happen. Miguel could not have left if he wanted to. Within seconds of the service ending men were gathered around him, lines on all sides were forming to thank this man and pass on a "little gift." It brought tears to my eyes and I'm sure his as well. With one hand he was greeting the gift givers, in the other hand he clutched a box of tissues. Just when I thought I would move on and dry my tears, Phil, a friend and Vietnam veteran reminded me of the very poor treatment those who served in Vietnam received upon returning home. Phil, along with my own Dad, were heroes although they were treated as villains. It is a good thing I had a tissue in my hand the tears started to flow again. So, I just want to say thank you to my Dad and to Phil and those like them that served faithfully in Vietnam and supported the cause of freedom as our soldiers do now in similarly unpopular war. Thankfully we have learned our lesson and are beginning to honor our heroes as they should be honored.

Nicole

2008-07-05T04:40:00.000-07:00

OK so maybe one more person reads it. My wonderful friend Nicole reads when her hands are not full of babies. You are reading, aren't you Nicole?

Maybe I am just not that interesting

2008-07-05T04:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been blogging for a few weeks now and the only two people I know for sure are reading this are my mom and my husband. Oh, and I think my dad reads it when my mom shows him. How sad is that? Maybe I am just not that cool or interesting. Maybe I need to be funnier, dorkier (in a good way), more intellectual or angry. I think I fall somewhere in that in-between world. Not quite one or the other, just average enough to be uninteresting. Maybe it is the somewhat needy name of my blog. hmmm.

Or maybe it is because I don't really leave comments on other people's blogs. For instance My friend challenged me to answer some questions on her blog and I never did. Maybe it is not too late. I will do it now. Here goes:

1. If you could inherit a comfortable home in any city in the world that you could use but not sell, where would you want it to be? I would love to have a large historic looking (w/o the headaches of an old home) home in a small to medium sized city in Connecticut within walking distance of a lot of shopping, theater and restaurants.

2. If you could be instantly fluent in one other language that you currently do not read or speak, which would it be? Why? Italian so I could communicate better with my in-laws

3.If you were given an hour to spend an unlimited amount of money in any store in the world where would it be? Any furniture/home store. I have new furniture but I like change.

4. If you had to give your children to the care of someone famous, who would you pick? First I would become famous so that I could give the care of my children to myself. Maybe China would speed up a little if I was Angelina Jolie.

5. If you could cast an actor now alive to play you in a new film, what kind of film would it be and who would you choose? My life is just not that interesting to make a film it but if I really had to choose it would be an adventure film set it a foreign country where the main character finds herself in some crazy and meaningful situations.

6.If you could have an elegant dinner alone with anyone presently alive, whether you know them or not, who would you want it to be? Now, I know this doesn't have to be someone famous and I should choose my husband but it would have to be Angelina Jolie and I would ask her how the heck she navigated so many adoptions in so little time!!!! BTW, I could have this conversation at McDonald's, it wouldn't matter becuase I would not be able to eat.

7.If you could resolve any single dispute, anywhere in the world what would you solve? Persecution of Christians around the world but especially in China and Myanmar (formerly known as Burma) Why not just call it Burma. Stupid Junta.

8. If you were instantly able to play one musical instrument perfectly that you have never played before, what would it be? Piano. I love how expressive it is.

Sorry this took so long Carolyn. Anyone else up for answering these questions? If so, just do it in the comment box below.

On Being a Stay at Home Wife...

2008-07-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today I told my boss that working fulltime was cramping my style. He laughed it off but I meant it. I do feel constrained and restricted. I like my job, I like my co-workers and thankfully I also enjoy the flexibility of working from home some of the time but yet, I feel shoved into a box 40 hours a week, albeit an interesting box. Many people can't say that. Maybe I am just spoiled by working only part-time for the past several years. It's not that I sat around, watched Oprah and ate bon-bons for all these years. I was active and productive. But all this time I thought I was preparing to be a stay-at-home mom. This has proved elusive.

So now I ask myself, what's wrong with being a stay-at-home wife? To my surprise , when I told Dave I would rather be working part-time and spending more time at home he smiled and agreed that would be great. I say I was surprised because I know that he likes having the increased income. I enjoy being a wife and I enjoy being home. I like making breakfast and having devotions with Dave. I enoy my morning cup of coffee while I catch up on email. I like being there to make Dave lunch at noon and not having to worry if there is lunch meat i the fridge for him to slap between two pieces of bread.

I grew up with a mother who had me just as the women's liberation movement was gaining momentum. More than any lulaby I remember my mom singing the battlecry of liberated women everywhere, "I am woman hear me roar, in numbers to big to ingore." Through this song and her actions she taught me that I did not need a man to be complete and fulfilled. She taught me how to be independent and strong. All positive things that came out of that era. In turn, my Dad gave me a strong work ethic and the feeling that I was invincible and I could conquer the world, do anything I wanted. Despite the many positive that came from the women's liberation movement I think it caused a lot of young women to believe that they needed a career to be significant and that loving a husband and children was somehow less importatn. Even growing up in an evagelical church taught me that it was my mission to make a difference in the world (not my home), which I set out to do and feel I accomplished in some small way.

Now that I desire just to be at home with or without children baffles me a little. I want more than anything to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I want my husband to be blessed. I want to add value to others by loving, extending grace and mercy, by setting an example. I do feel that what I am doing now is adding value to others and is important but I would like to get back to the basic essence of what a wife of noble character truly is. Not that I think if a woman works outside of the home she can't be a good wife, I am just saying for me, maybe that is the right thing.

Proverbs 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;

she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Oh, the Places You'll Go (or have been)

2008-06-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

I just added a feature to my blog that shows everywhere I have been. This is something I have always wanted to do since I have been very blessed to have traveled a lot in my life. I hope to continue to travel but with the recent gas prices and airline crisis that is looking less likely.

Two Year Anniversary

2008-06-28T06:04:00.001-07:00

Congratulations to us for patiently (i use that word loosely) waiting 2 whole years for our little sweetie from China. It has been a difficult wait but we are hanging in there. It feels a little like the world's longest pregnancy. We celebrate some good China news today. It seems that the CCAA (China Center for Adoption Affairs) is working on another set of matches which are due in the US this week. This is the closest match time there has ever been. It was just 2.5 weeks ago that the CCAA set matches. So yeah!! Maybe things are speeding up just a little. The other bit of good news is that the founders of our adoption agency met with the directors of the adoption program in the Hunan Province of China. They reported that the program there is improving and children are going to receive better care as a result. They did say that this would not necessarily improve our wait time but I don't see how it couldn't. I just think that they don't want to get our hopes up. But I am allowing mine to move up just a notch.

In other news, sort of, last night we had a great time with our friends, Mike and Bethany. Their niece was spending the night with them and their children. She was adopted from China so we had a little glimpse of what our life might be like in a few years. The other couple that was there was the same couple that purchased our first home. They have had the same struggle as we have in trying to start a family so it was really nice to talk to someone who has walked a mile in our shoes.

Thinking and Wishing

2008-06-26T16:20:00.001-07:00

I have been having been thinking about several different topics over the past three days and I have been wishing that I had the time to jot them down here. So tonight I will make a little list to remind myself to write about these things:

Being a stay at home wife
The financial struggle so many people are facing
How the Olympics are affecting me

Okay, so that doesn't seem like much. I know there was more but my behind hurts from sitting in front of a computer all day so I am going to take a break.

Missing Nani

2008-06-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

It has been two years this month since my grandmother, who I called Nani, passed away. We were very close since I was her only granddaughter. She has been on my mind and heart lately so I thought I would post some pictures of her. Missing Nani really makes me feel the need to spend time with my mom and keep the close bond that we have.

Bi-Coastal

2008-06-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

These are a couple of pictures we took up at Griffith Observatory, High up in the Hollywood Hills. You can make out the Hollywood sign behind us. Dave used to be bi-coastal for about a year. He worked in LA every other week. Now that he has changed job I get to have him home much more often. He does still travel some so it was nice to go with him on this trip. I hope to go on a few more trips before the babies come.

Fun with Lance

2008-06-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

My nephew Lance spent the night on Wednesday. He has been wanting to visit for a while so I picked him up after work on Wednesday. Dave was out of town so Lance and I went to SuperPlay and had a great time playing mini-golf and video games. It was so much fun being around a child. You feel a little more free with your expression of joy. We hooted and hollard as Lance won so many tickets playing skee ball. It is just not the same when Dave and I go to the arcade to play Dance, Dance Revolution. I think we might get some funny looks if we really let loose with no children at hand. As a matter of fact people probably already look at us sideways as we jump around on the dance pad. I would laugh at us.

Long week

2008-06-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

This has been a difficult week. I have not been feeling well - migraine, etc. A tornado warning caused me and my co-workers to huddle in an interior room (actually this was sort of fun). The vote to use Martin County High School for our next church campus was postponed. That was totally unexpected and kind of through me for a loop since I anticipated really gearing up for launch this week and now we have another month to wait to see if we can use the facility. The school officials assured us today that everything would be fine so we will just go with that. I am going to take this as an indicator that we need more prep time. It is really par for the course. I am waiting to start a family, waiting to start a church campus, waiting, waiting, waiting. Sometimes I wonder why some things can't just happen as we expect them to when we expect them to.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-15T03:19:00.000-07:00

Its Father Day and of course we are going to spend some time with our Dads! We love them.

This is a picture of Dave's Dad taken at Epcot in the hydroponic Garden. I think he is holding a giant lemon. His own back yard is filled with fruits and veggies. Yummy!

This is is of my dad and me at his retirement party two years ago. Dad served the Town of Juno Beach for 30 years. I admire him most for his work ethic. I also love that my Dad always has encouraging words for me. BTW, doesn't he look like Kenny Rogers before all the botox?

Then there is the father of my future children, my husband Dave. This was taken on his 35th B-day. He is often says that the paparazzi are after him. Delusional? No, just hilarious. He always keeps me laughing!

And last but certainly not least, my brother Mike who became a father just a few months ago. Here is with his new wife, Precy and step-son, Lance. Everyone says Lance looks a lot like Mike. I love this picture!

Everyone is doing it...

2008-06-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, since it seems that everyone is on FaceBook I decided to do it too. Also, at my friend, Renee, insistence. She is the best at keeping in touch. Well, actually my best friend Nicole is really good too. As a matter of fact if it were not for her calling me all the time I think we would have lost touch. I am glad she did not drop the ball. Facebook is all about keeping in touch isn't it? Maybe it will help me.

Now, I need to learn how to attach my blog to my Facebook. I asked Dave how to do it and he briefly told me something but I really don't remember. I'll ask again tomorrow.

China in my heart, (errr, um ,womb)

2008-06-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

Looks like it was not 10 days of LIDS matched for China adoption but only 8 days which I will take. Also, there were a lot more Babies! posts this month on the China Adopt Talk blog. And there are rumors that next month will be a large one as well. We have never had rumors for the next month this early before! All good news. If matching continues at this rate (8 LIDS per month) it will be 22 months until we receive our match. Of course, that we will continue at this rate is highly unlikely. Our LID is June 28th so we are coming up on our 2 year anniversary for waiting. AARRGGHH.

I am once again reservedly excited about bringing our baby home from China. I may never be able to have a "real" ultrasound but I think this creative one expresses my feelings today.

Money Merge Accounts

2008-06-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

Another trend I have been thinking about this week is in the world of personal finance. Dave and I are budget coaches with Crown Financial and this week we got a call from a couple we coached a while back. The told us about a new program that helps people pay down their mortgage faster. Although I had heard of it before I never had a reason to look into it. Since I was being asked my opinion I thought I first to formulate one so I did a little research. It is called MMA (Money Merge Account) and is a software program that, after you enter your financial information, gives you prompts as to when to pay your bills. It requires that you open line of credit, preferably a HELOC and everything gets paid out of that account. Surprisingly, I could not find one negative thing about it on the internet. Here is what I found:

Money Merge Accounts do work to help pay off your mortgage faster.
It is not a scam
No where did I see anything that said a Money Merge Account can help you avoid foreclosure or pay down debt other than a mortgage.
You do indeed use a HELOC or Home Equity Line of Credit which is different from refinancing your mortgage
You need to have a fixed rate first mortgage in order to use the system
It seems you need to actually have equity in your home
You need to get the HELOC yourself from your bank.
The product is sold via multi-level marketing like, Tupperware, Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, etc.
The representative profits about $1000 per sale, yes, that is one thousand dollars
You are paying for the use of the software, you don't actually own the software.
The benefit of the software is the prompts it gives you to pay certain things at certain times of the month
The representative will be vague about how the software works, which I assume is because of the proprietary nature of the software not because they want to hide something
For Money Merge to work properly you need to cut your monthly expenses by 20-25%
The program does not do the work for you. You need to be disciplined to pay everything and pay on time
Since your paycheck is deposited directly into the HELOC you must be 100% disciplined to record in the software every penny you spend.
This is a system which you can do on your own without the $3500 expense if you are technically and financially savvy.

So for what it is worth I think this program could work- only if you are an extremely discipline person. As far as the cost goes, it is cheaper than going to a bank and refinancing to a 15 year fixed mortgage and you will get it paid off in less time.

Shock and Awe

2008-06-12T17:03:00.001-07:00

On Mondays I have a bible study/ mentoring time with three teenage girls. We are currently going through Hank Hannegraaff's, Bible Answer Book, We each choose a question, find related scriptures and then discuss it in the group. It was our first week doing with this new format and I was a little disappointed that the girl's did not give the assignment much forethought but maybe next week. regardless we did have some great discussion. One girl chose a question about why homosexuality is wrong. We all agreed that the Bible emphatically calls homosexual activity a sin. Then we discussed how this affect their lives. The girls told me that aberrant sexuality is commonplace at their schools, especially among girls who claim to be bi-sexual. My girls all felt that this behavior is just for shock and awe as well as turning on boys. They all agreed that being "bi" is trendy, even though they themselves think it is terrible. I certainly hope that the girl's personal relationship with Christ will keep them on the right path. Teens really do have a lot of fiery darts to dodge. I would like to say I am shocked by this trend but I am not.

Redeemed

2008-06-08T05:28:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago there was a teaching on Moody Radio about loss. It came shortly after Steven Curtis Chapman lost his adopted Chinese daughter when his older son backed the family SUB over her. To sum it up in a brief statement - God may nor restore your loss but he will redeem your loss. So, the other day I was thinking about how I have lost my 30th decade of life to infertility and childlessness. Then I realized that the Lord has truly redeemed this time. I see that he has allowed me to be involved in some significant work for his kingdom. The most recent being the development of a new campus for our church.

He has also given me the desire to challenge myself in creative areas. I have learned to sew - sort of. As soon as I figure out how to hang the set of curtains I made out of a single curtain panel I purchased at Goodwill for 3 bucks I will post the picture here. Secondly I took on the challenge of starting a used and rare book business, which at the moment is making more money for my consignees than me but that is because my focus is on the new campus right now. I am just grateful to God for moving me forward and keeping my head up during this time. I am also grateful to my husband who has a been a source of strength. And finally to my family who have been such an encouragement. OK, this is starting to sound like an acceptance speech. I'm done now.

One thing I hope to work on during this redeemed time is sewing a straight line. I thought it would be easy since the fabric has stripes on it and I put a heavy crease in the fabric with an iron. So such luck, the stitch is still a bit crazy.

My Husband, the Brain

2008-06-07T05:37:00.001-07:00

After attending one session and browsing the show floor at Dave's conference this week in Long Beach I think I understand a little more about what it is that he does all day. The engineering software that was presented at the show was quite remarkable and really beyond my comprehension.

Also, I am very proud of Dave for finishing and submitting his application to join the astronaut core. I personally think he would make a great addition and according to this article, they need a funny guy like him. Dave thinks it is a really loooonnnngg shot but you never know how the Lord might work on his behalf. He would make a great Chief Moral Officer.

Breakfast

2008-06-07T05:22:00.000-07:00

This morning I am experimenting with buckwheat waffles. The first two did not come out so good. They stuck to the iron. So far the rest look tasty. Hubby trying them will be the real test. I used organic buckwheat flour and a little organic white flour. Most recipes on-line call for buttermilk but substituted regular 1% milk with a little vinegar. The buckwheat really behaves differently than regular flour. Although it is gluten free it stretches as if it were regular flour slightly kneaded as if to make bread. Oh, and I added blueberries, which thankfully are now in season!